


keep yourself alive

by orphan_account



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Cutting, Depression, Fluff and Angst, I sincerely apologize, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad but it gets better, Self-Harm, im sorry i had to do it to em, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 15:31:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: john makes a ‘mistake’ and roger helps him through it.





	keep yourself alive

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry but i have to do it to them. need me some angst to fluff right now and what better way to do that than write it myself.
> 
> i apologize in advance for breaking anyone’s hearts.

“John, you okay in there?” Roger was outside of the bathroom door, worried about John when the younger man had just kinda scooted away from the ‘conversation’ they had been having.

”I-I’m fine...” He wasn’t. He struggled to even say those two words as the tears out of his eyes just wouldn’t stop flowing, and the blood out of his arm wouldn’t stop, even if it were already (very poorly) covered up by a bandage.

”John, I’m coming in. You’re obviously not okay.” He heard Roger try to open the door with the handle, but John had locked it. 

“D-don’t...” John said through a shaky breath. Truly he wanted Roger right there to give him comfort while John relaxed in his arms, but he’d hate for Roger to see him like this.

_Pathetic._

_Wimp._

_Just kill yourself alrea-_

Roger burst through the door while John was mid-thought. He was glad the thought had been interrupted, he hated that voice in his head.

John’s heart almost stopped when he saw Roger’s reaction to him on the floor. He knew that any second now, Roger was gonna bolt out the door, tell him to move out, hate him. That always happened to John, always with him in the bathroom and the person he cares about seeing him like that then hating him. 

But Roger didn’t do that. He kind of just stood there, looking unsure of what to do.

”R-Rog... I’m so-orry you ha-ave to see me like th-this. I’m miserable, I’m sorry you have to se-see this Rog...” John broke down more than he already had been. “I’m pathetic. I’m su-surprised yo-you didn’t leave as s-soon as you opened th-the door...”

Roger bent down on the floor so he was about the same height as John. “Deaks... what do you mean?”

”You’ll hate me...”

”No I won’t, Deaks. We’re a family. Can’t hate family.” Roger nodded to him. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to... I want to help you with whatever caused you to do this,” glancing at John’s bandaged arm, “and I hope you trust me enough to tell me.”

”P-promise you won’t ha-hate me?” 

“Promise.”

”W-well, in sixth grade, I met this girl. H-her name was B-brianna. No association with the Bri we know. A-anyway, we became friends and she asked me out in seventh grade, and I accepted. Cause like, y-you know, a p-pretty girl likes me. C-cool. But then the next year, e-eighth grade, sh-she broke up with me on my birthday.” The mention of ‘the eighth grade birthday breakup’ made him feel even worse. 

“The-then in ninth grade, she asked me aga-ain. I said okay. Through that year we dated a whole fou-our times. Five altogether, r-right? She cheated on me half of the four times.” Roger almost wanted to hug the hell out of John when he said that last part. “Made me f-feel like she didn’t ever care about me. Like no-one did. Thats where I got th-this idea,” motioning towards his arm, “and why taking pills always gives me anxiety.” That last sentence didn’t need explaining for Roger to know what it meant. Roger almost wanted to stand up right then and go find this Brianna girl who did this to John.

”B-but wait, th-there’s more!” John said as dramatically as he could while stuttering. “In ten-tenth grade, she asked me out again. Said she’d changed. I was dumb and said okay. W-we actually lasted for a while. A year, into eleventh. In eleventh, we... went to Disney world.” John’s expression faltered. “F-for marching band, I was on b-bass clarinet. She was on Ba-baritone sax. Of course we picked to be roommates, cause like, we’re dating right?” Roger nodded again.

”But... I... I don’t even know why... I should’ve just said yes to her...” There were still tears continuing to flow out of his eyes.

”John,” Roger said, as quietly as possible. “did she... rape you...?” 

John nodded, looking guilty. Not guilty in a teasing way, but guilty as in ‘I feel dirty and used every day due to that experience.’ 

“I- I knew I was supposed to be happy about that. Like, I just got it on with the hottest girl in school. But I kept telling her no. Over and over I said no. But she didn’t listen.” John almost wanted to curl up and die. “I can understand if you hate me now, I’m dirty, used, I don’t deserve you.”

”John, look at me.” Roger had positioned himself to be right in front of John, to hold his hand. “You aren’t dirty or used. I know that for a fact. You’re amazing, everyone in the band would do anything to make sure you’re happy. If we’d have been around when she did this to you, I swear I would’ve killed her.”

John smiled, relaxing into Roger’s hand holding his. “John, d’ya wanna, sit on the bed instead of the hard bathroom floor?” Roger chuckled when John realized how uncomfortable he was. “Y-yes.” 

John’s breathing had slowed down quite a lot at that point. He still needed Roger next to him.

John made his way over to his room and on his bed. Roger walked in not too long after and sat next to him. 

“Rog, ca-an you hold me...” John asked the blonde. Roger complied and grabbed the younger man to hold him. 

“I promise I’m not ever gonna let anyone hurt you ever again.” Roger said. And for once, John trusted and believed someone. Pressing a kiss to John’s forehead, the two felt safe.

**Author's Note:**

> heart broken yet? mine sure is woohoo
> 
> anyway the ex that john is talking about is actually basically my ex, except i wasnt the one who was, you know, r*ped, but it was one of her other exes. and the birthday breakup did happen to me actually n it fuckin sucked lol, me and this brianna girl dated 13 different times before she accused me of doing something real shitty to her n its like.. bro you basically r*ped someone what you think i did is NOTHING compared to what you did.
> 
> but anyway sorry if the story isnt shippy enough lol, i might make a part two where it is more shippy with dealor. idk just depends lol i just needed to vent or sumn


End file.
